War of Words

"I do think I am beginning to understand. that you couldn't find a man that would have you."

What kind of monster am I? I look back now as I spoke those words, it was as if I wasn't the one speaking them. It was if I was watching myself from afar, but the voice was cold and vindictive.

I had every right to be furious, I know this much. Why I gave into her verbal abuse this day I cannot say. I have suffered her remarks without so much as batting an eye in the past. I surmise that even I have limits.

"I'd never thought.. oh well, I guess its normal for such lowborn scum as you to act like this, I should never have begun trusting you like this.. you're no better than him, you're just.. scum, you Ni-Kunni are all the same."

There was nothing behind her words. They were weak, powerless. I had hardened myself to a much more furious onslaught, but it never came.

"Shut up you low born runaway, you have no idea, you hear me, no idea at all, and now get out of my eyes and wash some rags or something."

It was like something in me smelled her vulnerability and struck like a predator sensing the kill, and strike I did. I did not feel the slightest hesitation, and I savored her inability to respond.

"Hmm? No quips forthcoming? I really expected more of you, Laerise"

My victory was complete.

"I hate you."

"I no longer care what you think of me."

I meant it, at least for a time.

Now all I can think of is how horrible it was. How I let myself become so vicious, regardless of what she says. I let myself... I let Aldrith down behaving in such a manner. I'm not sorry for thinking those thoughts, I feel they are correct, but I did act out as she says... in a low born manner, like scum. Do I care what she thinks of me? God help me, but I do.

For that, I hate myself.

Of Dreams and Nightmares

The evening started well enough. Small talk about the war zone, about missing him, about a future Praetorian wedding between Lianne and Saint. That last bit of information came as quite a surprise.

I was in the Basilica, sitting at the waters edge, my thoughts wandering between the war, Aldrith, and the wedding date that had just been set by my sister.

"Because I'm going to marry Raphael."

A simple statement she made to Chancellor Karvash as they walked passed, and all the feelings of initially hearing of my sister's engagement came flooding into my head. I did what I could to congratulate her, though I'm sure it came off as rushed and awkward. They have had a peculiar relationship from what I can tell. God puts together strange pairs indeed.

She chuckles and shakes her head.

So, off we went to Pax Praetoria for a nightcap. Behold, Laerise had decided to make an early morning of it. We discussed the return of Karvash to the defensive fold. She wasn't as enthused as I. Of course, Lianne and Saint was brought up. When Aldrith arrived, she couldn't help but make a comment to sour the air. Once again I tried to divert her attentions to other things, asking about her 'wife' and her own ability to sleep.

"Come now, what about you and.. Aldrith, who would have thought."

After a few stunned glances from Aldrith and I, she continued...

"Tch, do you really think I did not know, about you two? Oh come on, I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but... I hope he's at least been enough of a gentleman to propose to you, Mitara."

My first reaction was total shock that she would ask such a thing, then a great sadness took ahold of me. I simply said back that it was a little too soon for that kind of talk. Laerise responded with something I didn't quite register other than her calling Aldrith and I 'commoners.' All I could do was grunt and attempt to cover my inability to react by taking a drink of my wine. After an uncomfortable silence by all parties, Aldrith spoke up.

"Fine, Captain if you really must know, we are going to get married as well. We have been keeping it quiet for now so as to not overshadow Raphael and Shalee's engagement. Right, Mitara?"

My God, what was this? Some kind of sick joke? Something to spark Laerise's rage? A proposal? I sputtered back with something in the affirmative, unsure if I was becoming party to Aldrith's ill conceived joke or committing myself to him forever. I shot up out of my seat, draining the last of my wine and went to refill it, which I did, then I drained that. I didn't notice Laerise had followed me until she touched my arm.

"Is he always this horrid to you? I can't believe it."

My head shook slowly, partially in response to her and partially in disbelief he would put me in such a position with my fellow Captain. A look of realization that he may of just proposed crossed her face and she covered her mouth in shock.

"Oh no. He did not just..?"

I just wanted to get back to my seat as I felt my legs giving way.

"And she's pregnant!"

His words took my legs from beneath me, sending my drink spilling over the floor. It was horrible. I was furious, mortified, my look willing him to cease. My head spun around to meet Laerise's gaze questioning me if what he said was true.

"With twins!"

With that I was broken. I remember Aldrith laughing and Laerise yelling at him. All I could think of was to flee. This I did in the most graceful way I could muster.

I fled back to my suite, praying it was all some kind of nightmare. Sitting on the couch I wept and waited to wake, but I never did.

After some time, he quietly returned, taking a seat a safe distance away. When I could compose myself to speak, I asked him...

"Do you think that was funny?"

"Now? Of course not."

"What in God's name were you thinking?"

"I suppose I wasn't."

"Do you know what the worst part of it is? The worst is that for just a moment I thought you were serious. God knows I don't expect that, Aldrith. But for a fleeting moment... I wanted to believe you would."

"That is why you are angry?"

"I don't know what to think. No. But that's why I'm hurt. That you would joke about something like that. Especially with Anne and now Shalee... I'm angry because you embarrassed me... us... in front of my fellow officer, my senior."

"What, you do not think I have been pondering proposing this entire time anyway?"

"No. Why would you?"

"That woman deserves no respect... you are of equal rank, how dare she take these constant shots at you? At me, fine, but I saw the hurt in your eyes."

"Yes. I cannot stand it when she starts on you."

My anger started to subside as the truth of his words rung true. I have fought to ignore Laerise's slights towards him, and indirectly, towards me.

"How did she find out?"

"I have no idea... I can only think it was by my actions. God curse my lack of social graces."

"No, it was not your fault. And if that woman were at all reasonable we would have simply been able to tell her."

"Yes, yes, this is true. But Aldrith, tonight, it was too much, too much..."

"I did not think... all she was doing was rubbing it in our faces, trying to make us feel ashamed. I refuse to feel shame for her."

"As we shouldn't. Her perspective is... different. I'm sure the behaviors of the Holders are as foreign to us as we are to them."

"I know Holders! I lived with them for half of my life! Being a Holder does not excuse one from being a decent human being!"

"You would know better than I.... From us I am the least."

"What? How can you say that?"

"Come now, Aldrith. I am the Ni-Kunni daughter of an Amarrian Naval officer. You were in Court. And Laerise, well... I am what she says, a commoner, and nothing can change that. Even if I outrank her, she will always hold more social power than I ever will. Even if I had it, I wouldn't know how to use it."

And I didn't care either. I know my place. It may not be where I wish, and I may feel ashamed to come from such low stock, but it is my place. This man, who I was furious with, lifts me up...

"Listen to me. You are a hundred times my better, and a thousand times Laerise's better. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Station... rank... they mean nothing in the eyes of God. He can only smile upon an angel like you."

How could I not but smile at such a loving accolade? I looked at him, praising God in my mind that he was here, that I was not alone, and that I loved him dearly.

Our conversation drifted from what was said between them after I had left, the about us, and finally what our future may hold. Neither of us can foresee that, but for now we are content, happy. The evening closes with my loves sense of humor again. This time, I could appreciate it.

"I know that this whole encounter has left me exhausted. That's about it."

He took me by the hand, leading me to the bedroom.

"Oh, you think so? After what you pulled?"

"What, I should hope I will at least get the privilege of keeping your bed warm whilst you sleep. These Caldari keep their stations notoriously cold..."

"Mmmhmm... quite cold."

"I assure you, my intentions are quite honorable, milady... Besides... you are sleeping for three now!"

He deserved the welt my pinch left.